A Letter from Bank of America
An Apology to Our Customers
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers:
Dear Valued Customer:
As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users. To say that what followed this decision was a shitstorm would be a massive understatement.
Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it’s understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the nuts.
That’s why we are writing to you today with a simple message: “Our bad.” And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately. All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.
You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.
If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips. (Prices on request.)
Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee. We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we’ll do it in a way you won’t notice.
Sincerely,
Bank of America
oh fo sho they won't notice
ReplyDeleteis moynihan really so dim witted to believe the $5 charge would fly? apparent so..
ReplyDeleteJohn - I view BAC as somewhat of a binary situation: 1x down or 3x or 4x up. Esentially a call option on USA recovery. What could 'kill' this investment? I.e. what realistic situation could wipe out shareholders on this?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for this, Hempton, because it's off topic but this has almost become a white whale for me.
ReplyDeleteHRBN's closing seems to be delayed. The OCC is saying that DTCC hasn't distributed money to shareholders because they haven't received it yet. No word as to what's going to happen in the next few days.
If no one writes a book about this crazy company I just might do it myself.
I am just as intrigued by Harbin as anyone. Look at my twitter feed to see what I retweeted.
ReplyDeleteJ
Also on HRBN, what happens if don't fund it? Has this ever happened before?
ReplyDeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteI cannot find your twitter feed. Can you please provide a link?
Thank you.
http://www.theocc.com/
ReplyDeleteIts the second link....its not anymore. Its somewhere in the Latest Informemos.
This is from someone who doesnt use twitter and had some small trouble finding the link.
my twitter
ReplyDeletehttp://twitter.com/#!/John_Hempton
http://www.marketwatch.com/story/harbin-electric-completes-closing-of-going-private-transaction-2011-11-03
ReplyDeleteNot sure if this means anything, but Marketwire seems to have a press release. I cannot find anything new on OCC.com though.
Eh. Borowitz has made a career out of being less funny than the people who first told his jokes. But we all have to make our sacrifices for Mother Earth, I suppose, and at least he's a conscientious recycler.
ReplyDeleteWhere are the barriers to competition?
ReplyDeletehttp://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/11/credit-unions-add-650k-members-ahead-of-bank-transfer-day/1
With respect to comparables for HRBN, if it in fact fails -There was a small deal around 1980, where Ohio Ferroalloys was to be bought by Fesil, a Scandinavian firm. First there was a price cut on the deal price. There was a vote, and OFER and the lawyers went to the closing, and Fesil never showed up. As Fesil had no US assets, the deal simply broke at the last minute with no way to sue the buyer who reneged.
ReplyDeleteWell that didn't take long:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/14/business/banks-quietly-ramp-up-consumer-fees.html
"Even as Bank of America and other major lenders back away from charging customers to use their debit cards, many banks have been quietly imposing other new fees...."
The letter is missing a paragraph -
ReplyDeleteBY forcing you to Bail Us Out Again because we are Too Bigger To Fail and pay gigantic bonus's to C level executives...
hahahaahahaha... suckers
Regards, Your TBTF Ruling Class masters @ BOfA.
Hmmm.....there used to be a gentleman by the name of Mark Effron who worked in the swap group (they were called derivatives in those days) at Goldman Sachs in London in the mid- to late-1980s.
ReplyDelete